Jealousy is a deeply human emotion that we all experience throughout our lives. According to Brené Brown’s research, it’s important to distinguish between jealousy and envy: jealousy arises when we fear losing something we already have, while envy emerges when we desire something someone else possesses. It often emerges in relationships, friendships, or professional environments when we perceive a threat to something we hold dear. Despite being a common feeling, jealousy is often accompanied by profound shame. We may judge ourselves for being petty, insecure, or irrational, even though the emotion itself is neither good nor bad—it simply is. Understanding the purpose of jealousy and why it can evoke shame can help us navigate it with greater compassion and insight.
The Evolutionary Role of Jealousy
From an evolutionary perspective, jealousy likely served a survival function. In early human societies, maintaining strong bonds and securing resources were critical for survival. Jealousy may have evolved to alert us to potential threats—whether it’s the risk of losing a mate, status, or a valuable alliance. By signalling that something important to us is at risk, jealousy prompts protective or corrective actions to safeguard what matters.
In modern life, while survival is no longer directly tied to social bonds or material resources in the same way, the emotional wiring remains. Jealousy can still signal that something needs attention, whether it’s a boundary being crossed, a need for reassurance, or a deeper insecurity that requires healing.
Jealousy and Social Media
In the digital age, social media has amplified feelings of jealousy by providing constant opportunities for comparison. Carefully curated images and highlight reels of others' lives can trigger feelings of inadequacy or fears of missing out. We may find ourselves comparing our relationships, achievements, or appearances to the idealised portrayals we see online. The immediacy and ubiquity of these platforms often make it challenging to step back and remind ourselves that what we see is not the full story. Recognising these triggers and setting healthy boundaries around social media use can help mitigate its impact on our emotional well-being.
Why Jealousy Feels So Shameful
Despite its functional origins and distinction from envy, jealousy often triggers feelings of shame. This shame stems from multiple societal and personal factors:
1. Cultural Stigma: Many cultures view jealousy as a sign of weakness or immaturity. The "ideal" person is often depicted as self-assured, confident, and unbothered by external comparisons. Admitting to jealousy can feel like admitting to personal failure.
2. Fear of Judgment: We may fear that expressing jealousy will lead others to see us as possessive, controlling, or insecure. This fear can push us to suppress or hide the emotion, amplifying internal conflict.
3. Internalised Beliefs: Many of us have internalised messages that "negative" emotions, like jealousy or anger, are unacceptable. This belief fuels a cycle of self-judgment where the presence of jealousy becomes a source of additional distress.
4. Vulnerability Exposure: Jealousy reveals our vulnerabilities—what we care about, what we fear losing, and where we may feel inadequate. Facing these truths can be uncomfortable and confronting.
Reframing Jealousy with Compassion
Rather than viewing jealousy as a personal flaw, we can reframe it as an opportunity for self-awareness and growth. When we approach jealousy with curiosity rather than judgment, it can become a tool for understanding ourselves better. Here are some compassionate ways to work with jealousy:
1. Acknowledge the Emotion: Denying jealousy only intensifies its grip. Acknowledge its presence without judgment. Simply naming the feeling can begin to diminish its intensity.
2. Explore Its Message: Ask yourself, What is this jealousy trying to tell me? It might point to a need for greater communication in a relationship, a boundary that needs to be reinforced, or a desire to cultivate a sense of self-worth.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that jealousy is a natural human emotion. You are not alone in feeling this way, and it does not define your character.
4. Communicate Openly: In safe and appropriate relationships, sharing feelings of jealousy can foster connection and understanding. When expressed thoughtfully, it can lead to constructive conversations and mutual reassurance.
5. Redirect Comparison: Instead of focusing outward, turn inward to explore your own values, desires, and goals. What can you learn about yourself from this experience? How can you use that insight to grow and feel inspired?
Jealousy as a Path to Growth
While jealousy is often uncomfortable, it holds valuable information about our inner world—our fears, needs, and desires. Jealousy doesn't define you; it refines you. Jealousy doesn’t have to be a shadow that we hide from; it can become a mirror that helps us see ourselves more clearly.
If you’re struggling to navigate feelings of jealousy or shame, therapy can provide a supportive space to explore these emotions and develop healthier ways of understanding and responding to them. Remember, every emotion—even the challenging ones—is part of the human experience and holds the potential for healing and growth.
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